Nathan has a special place in my heart because he was my first baby .. I had never been pregnant before him.. I had a few scares like all women do but nothing ever came .. when I got pregnant with Nathan I was in a really great place.. I was in a relationship that I spent a year trying to get in to and make sure this was the person I was going to spend my life with . Things spiraled out of control in my relationship as my pregnancy went on, my ex became increasingly abusive, hated any kind of authority or being told no, his drug habits spun very deep as well as his financials were deeply cutting our family apart. Time had gone on and I didn't understand as a young woman in her 20's what the hell was wrong with him. I felt like I had spent so long trying to understand every part of him down to the core of who he was. ... I had found out when it was to late.. upon the first meeting with his mother ... that he had serious issues with his mother when he was 7 years old... his mother said that things had gotten so bad.. she had told me he was very violent towards her, he stole , did drugs and had a very bad crowd of friends behind him, his mother made the ultimate choice (in my opinion was only making the situation worse) she had enough of trying mediations, doctors appointments, and his very temperamental behaviour that she got him to pack all of his stuff and drove him to a homeless center for kids, in some way maybe she got fed of of trying to hit her head against the wall and maybe she thought these people would give him a better life than she could .
His life spun out of control as he grew in to teenage years , and he got deeper and deeper in to drugs and jail .. when I met him he had claimed he was in a good place away from any of the problems he had prior to meeting and starting a family with me. I didn't put much thought in to his past as I didn't want him to feel like I was judging him .. I merely let it go and tried to see him in the light he was presenting to me as we were starting our family and had a little boy on the way ... Our relationship fell deeper apart as more and more deep rooted spite and secrets came out . including infidelity on his part and violence had become in tolerable.
When I had given birth to Nathan it took me for a terrible surprise as I had to fight to keep him as his shoulders got stuck in my pelvis and I hemorrhaged pretty bad . I took it like a champ and grew along side him .. instead of blaming him in any way for his arrival in to this world.. I basically did everything myself in the first weeks since my ex fell further apart and by the time Nathan was 3 weeks old he tried to hang himself off the deck, sighting that I had no more time for him and that he felt all the attention was going to our baby instead of him. I never understood where this had come from , so for the best for me and Nathan I let him go . our safety was more important that keeping him in our lives.. he was destroying himself willingly and I wasn't going to let him destroy us.
Nathans behaviour from birth was a typical little boy, he hit all his milestones , he loved food, he loved sleep, he was a very happy little chunky monkey ... but by the time he was 6 months things seemed to shift a lot more than I ever knew they could. It was like this darkness came over him , his personality was very different , the happy baby was slowly slipping away. Suddenly he wouldn't sleep anymore , he was a afraid to sleep as his nightmares would intensify to a point where most nights he was screaming all night without being calmed down at all. On the days you knew it would be a bad day his eyes would go almost black (pretty scary he has bright blue eyes)
As a mother it is torture to watch your own flesh and blood from suffer from something you really don't know what it is , you know the facts in front of you , you are begging the medical system for help and all they can say is opinion after opinion that doesn't even matter for his treatment. They put you on waiting lists you never asked to be on, they know how serious his problems are and yet they want us to wait almost a year to get him any kind of help, its absolutely terrible. When Nathan has his melt downs I get so angry , I usually collapse in my hubbys arms at night and just cry, because dealing with Nathan's problems takes you to a place of anger that you have never been before, it takes everything out of you , you don't sleep anymore because of his nightmares and you have to calm him down . You have to get in the middle of the almost fatal fights between him and other kids as well as his own siblings, its awful !!!.. you have to be the strength in front of him but behind closed doors I am a wreck , I just hold it together in front of him so that I don't show him that I cant handle him. If their was a limit of trying everything I think I have crossed It many times.
I am not saying that I cant handle him, I can and have done so for all of his life and will continue to help him until my dying day when god calls me home and says he is finally alright to take care of himself , but my struggle takes all of everything I have out of me, you get a glimmer of hope some days when u feel like that little boy with big blue eyes where you can see right through him and his beautiful soul comes back and you cherish those moments when you can truly see the real him , I believe it prepares me for the moments when he goes downhill , when I feel like I cant get up , I cant yell anymore, I cant put him in time outs, I cant calm him down, I cant listen to him screaming anymore, when I am punched and lashed out against when he cant get his way, when he corrects me when I don't say what he wants right, it reminds me of those moments when I know the real Nathan is in their , it just is severely hidden but something chemically wrong in his brain. I try and do what I can for him, I really don't want to yell. its not me , I am more of the quiet type , but his issues really can be so overwhelming this is what is the only thing that he stops and knows I am angry for whatever he is doing. At times my anger towards him makes it worse and I know this, but at those moments I dial it back cause the last thing I want to do is hurt him.
Waiting for doctor appointments for specialists is beyond hard , because once we as parents know what is available to him whether it be meds, play cancelling, special activities, etc. we will go out and find as much information as humanly possible about what he has and give him everything he needs, we dont believe that giving him medication and letting him walk in to this world is the only answer no, we believe that we are as much part of his growing and learning as he is about himself. We want to be strong pillars of support for him , we need to be the ones who guide him beyond his issues.
we as a family love him and support him deeply, through all the trials he will endure .. stay on the journey while we go through the ups and downs with our oldest
until our next update
from our family to yours stay strong
27 year old Mom of 3 under 5 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace