A bit of background on my weight I was born a very healthy baby at 8lbs 3oz , who loved food from the womb , my mom is a tall , slender woman who has never been overweight all her life, my father is about 5 6 as well as a slender average guy. I come from a background of full Europeans , danish on my moms side and Irish and Norwegian on my fathers side. We love food simply put, As a small infant I loved food my mother tells me stories of how she couldn't keep me fed . I can remember my first memories of a young girl , was all about how much food i should eat, and my grandma telling me that i should eat whats on my plate and nothing more, when i couldn't finish all of it she said never take more than you think you can eat, I was confused by this , I was to small to understand what she meant. I remember my as i got older and loved food more and more my father told me that I was only allowed to eat specific things and when i finished the box He would yell at my mother about how that specific food i ate to fast and that their was a specific time frame he believed it should be in our cupboards. I remember the feeling of thinking of my heart sinking down in my body thinking my father must hate me since i eat to much , things got worse as i would be at the dinner table and my sister would laugh and giggle at me when my chair squeaked as i tried to pull in my chair to come closer to the table and she hollered across the table that my fat must have made those noises. Getting bullied from grade 2 all the way up to middle school until finally i couldn't take anymore of the constant bullying that i thought it would be easier if i would take my own life since everyone hated me , I felt like their was this standard i was suppose to fill .. what was it ??? was it that I was suppose to conform to societies ideals of what us as women should look like??
Dating was a complete nightmare since men seemed to only pick at my weight... I would cry to my mother almost everyday and everynight in silence .. I felt like I was never good enough for this world, there was never any positivity. I remmeber going on diet after diet , excersizing harder and harder and even stop eating to be able to please the ones around me. I thought maybe if I fit in to this box that people want , maybe I will have friends , maybe I will have a boyfriend, maybe my dad and sister will accept me... I ended up eating less than 1000 calories a day , drinking nothing but diet coke and excersizing my ass off to get to 133 pounds.. loosing anything that i have put on .. thinking I would be happy and make everyone happy around me. Truth be told I hated every bit of myself ... Putting a size medium to me was amazing , but I kept thinking I am not happy this cant be what life is suppose to feel like. I began to drink very heavily by the time i was 17/18.. I was so lonely.... I had friends and people around me all the time , I had a great job.. I loved it with all my heart and focused so much energy in to being the best i could be work-wise.. but silently I was dying inside and no one saw that I was deteriorating!
I struggled so bad with my weight that the food and counting calories became an obession , and the lonliness became a way of life , I covered all of it up with drinking every single night to the point where I drank enough I didnt feel lonely anymore. This obsession wasn't enough for me I began to take pills to keep my weight down .. 133 wasn't enough for me I wanted thinner.. I was willing to give up my health , friends, family anything to become what everyone wanted. When you keep telling someone who is overweight or in my case that you are hated for everything you look like.. over and over again .. that person tends to believe what your saying and tries to please everyone around them. We all live to be accepted from our peers, this is human nature. Fast forward to having my first son and gaining 80lbs with him.. god i was so scared .. even though i was suppose to put on weight for him .. i watched everything i ate... i wasn't able to let go of my obsessive excersizing until i was 3 months pregnant and got beyond sick with him.. I stopped everything until my pregnancy was over and the moment i could (which was 2 weeks) I was immediately back on my diet pills and excersize.
Fast forward 2 kids later ... I have lost all my pregnancy weight within the first month of having my children but everyday I still struggle with societies digs at my weight. Here is the positive side I want everyone to understand people have to see that sometimes we are the way we are because of our genetics.. in my case I am the typical 1920's European where i got a small waist and i have thick hips and a booty. At now 26 years old and a coming from a lifetime of struggling with weight issues I now have an appreciation of loving my ancestors genetics that have been passed down to me. Do i know the risks of being a bigger girl .. and keeping a bit of weight on ... damn right i do .. Do i know i could have a heart attack at anytime because of not being the "Average" weight.. sure i do ..
The only way to live life is to accept what god gave us.. Can we improve ourselves .. Yes.. Can we excersize every single day and still be 200lbs.. Yes!!!!. Can you have a little muffin top from having your babies and have stretch marks that never go away.. Absolutely .... Can you eat stuff salad in your face everyday and still eat a burger?? Sure you can . The truth is .. the only way to love you .. is to find what works for you.. in my case pilates, eating what i want in portions works for me.. but that doesn't me that my anorexia doesn't sneak up on me .. and diet pills still come in to play.... as much as i love me for the weight that i am .. since i have a "big girl brain" I will always worry about myself.. I want society to know this about me...
You can call me anything you wish.. fat, overweight, obese, huge, elephant, gross.. I have heard all of these all of my life... I have come accustomed to the fact that you as a society doesnt want to accept me.. I have come to realize I am not on earth to please you. I have let down my guard and have stopped letting societal views shape who i can be and how much i can be happy based on how fat or skinny i am . No matter how many struggles and slips i have regarding my weight is my problem.. society doesn't have to live with my body everyday .. society doesnt have to view my pictures if they dont want to.. they can even walk on the other side of the street to get away from me if you think i am disgusting!!.. I have learned through all my pain that i am here to please myself .. if i am happy having rolls and eating a pizza damn right i am gonna do that. When I am in a public setting i have chosen to not listen to the chatter around me , I have learned to ignore peoples feelings of who i am.. they don't know me.. who the hell are they to judge me.
Its all in the way you think.. and honestly if you can tune out all the magazines and tv shows promoting these teeny tiny girls.. this will save you!!!.. you have to know that no matter how thin or fat you are someone wants you, someone loves you, but learning to love every roll on your body is your first and foremost task. I cant say that i love everything every moment of everyday .. its a struggle .. it will always be.. it always has. but i have got a tough exterior .. I have been through so much in my life that why should i care what one person behind a computer or a doctor ive only seen a few times saying i'm fat... how can they say after talking to me a few times that i am awful in everyway and un healthy if they don't truly know who i am.. Its beyond selfish trying to put everyone in this box of what should fit and if it doesn't we are cast out.. its horrible.. We should be promoting within each other that if god blessed you with a bit more junk your trunk .. HELL you should rock it !!!! No matter if your a size 2 or a size 20
I know that no much i gain or how much i loose .. my body can only do certain things.. i can take a million diet pills.. and think this might work.. but deep down inside i know i am only fooling myself .. i know they really wont.. Its a battle in my head everyday to make sure i am positive everyday.. and that i surround myself with people who are supportive and love me for all of who i am ... If you have people who will bring you up when you are down .. or feeling like you need to run and grab that bottle of diet pills.. you will see how more and more that the only opinion that matters is yours. No one is going to love you how you want them to unless you pick someone who is going to love your soul first.. Changing your mind set is the key!!!! As I have gotten older I have seen that weight doesn't matter... i know what 133 pounds feels like i also know what 330 pounds feels like.. i have been everything in between but you need to find out what is healthy for your body type.. and yes everyone has a different body type.. everybody has a weight that it is healthy at and no doctor can tell you that since your BMI over 30 you are huge .. its only a number.. just like 330 pounds is only a number.. you can be the healthiest 330lb girl ever.
Do not fear peoples opioions of you..no matter how fat or thin you are people will always always give them even if they are unwanted!!!.. Take the opioion in and breathe and let it go. Find a place where you feel at peace . Love and live... set your standards to what you want them to be , love you for the weight you are no the weight you want to be.
I want to inspire people to not fear life.. live it.. promote positivity
28 year old Mom of 3 under 6 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace