As an 18 year old i was fearful of the world but by 6 months in to being 18 i had been to all of the bars you could imagine almost eveynight of my life.. i had parited at home, at friends homes, with my sister and her friends.. everywhere.. i would go out in the middle of the night just to walk to the liquior store.. so i felt like i was well versed in the bars and clubs and the partying lifetstyle.. Everytime i had gone to the bar or anywhere drinking i always went with a buddy or a group of people this way i felt like i had someone to watch my back.. and me and my girlfriend had gone all the time .. we always looked out for eachother .. we were just like sisters i couldn't imagine lookjing out for anyone else how deeply i watched out for her. Since i tried with my older sister but she got to far to quick in the bad side of life that i just couldn't save her.. she had to save herself.. although she never did. sadly
This one particular night i was finished work at 5 and i really wanted to go out.. alchoal was an excape from what was home .. and home was my paresnt always upset by my sisters actions and their was tonns of yelling.. and my sister was beyond harsh to me.. she truly acted like she hated me from birth ... and she just had a baby out of any kind of relationship , you can say it was a month long one night stand that she got pregnant and my parents and i jumped in to help but at 18 i really was in the mindset that i didnt want kids.. atleast not yet.. it just wasnt something i felt i was the best to have.. i was so distructing to myself , i was so hurt .. i was just finding who i was at tha ttme.. i certainly knew i didn;t want to bring a beautful soul in to this world.. and create likfe when i needed to create my life myself.. so home wasn't an option on this particular night..
I wasn't able to get any friends to come out with me.. my bestie was busy so i took it upon myself to go to this particular bar that we had gone to a million times.. we were VIP always and i knew the owners.. i knew all the bouncers .. I knew the bartenders , i felt some sort of protected their.. so i get all ready and go down their.. and get my few drinks i am feeling good.. i get more confidence.. so i started dancing on the dance floor since i love to dance.. everything was doing good i was having a blast alone.. and i had danced with a few guys but never had gotten that close.. i was on my way out of the dance floor and this black guy stops me and puts my hand on his private pars and says something and i pulled my hand away and said no i am leaving.. and kept saying no.. but he was obsessed already.. so i stupidly put my number in his phone and said okay give me a call and we will hang out and party sounds good.. i didn't have any intentions of taking his calls.. i just gave my number to leave... god only knows how when we are drunk we still know our number.. i know this wasy my mistake..
3 days pass and he calls me obsessivly .. more than 10 calls a day to ask when i want to come out and party.. so i ignored most of them but then i was like you know im probably being rude and standing him up.. he wanted to dance.. and seemed nice.. another mistake misjudging people.. So i called him back and he sounded excited that he was able to hang out in my busy schedle .. so we picked a date which was just the next day.. he picked me up down the street from my home because i never let anyone know my full address.. just for saftey of my family and my little nephew.. i got in his car and immediatly i had gotten this sinking feeling i had never gotten before.. i brushed it off to just nerves .. he was fine just normally driving he wasnt doing anything weird of noticable.. so then he said do you want to rent a movie or go to my house.. I was exstremly nervous.. i was shaking and he told me dont worry he had a DVD playing in his car and we could watch it their.. so i said yea lets do that.. we went to rent a movie.. he kept his distance from me . which i was like okay no problem he was probably nervous to..
We got back in the car and he tricked me .. he said soemthing in afraican and i was like what i dont' understand.. then we drove for about half an hour until we got to the south west side of my city i refused to get out i had no clue where we were just in front of some random house,, then he got out and came to the passenger side and told me to get out.. with a mean voice.. i said alright i guess. i mean what else was i suppose to do.. but when i got out my spriti guides and angels were standing on the corner of the street yelling at me .. saying no don't go in.. no .. no..no.. i didn;t listen .. i figured i was brave and could handle myself fine. We got in to his house and i sat on the couch .. and was unaware that their were 2 other roomates home at the time. and awake.. by this time was atleast midnight or 1 am. I was still terribly nervous.. and he then sat down beside me and i jumped .. he laughed.. and we shook it off.. he then asked me if i wanted to look at something cool he bought in his bedroom and i said sure .. he stuck pretty close to me when i went to the bedroom which made my stomach sink.. my bad feeling was still their.. getting worse actually.. he then pushed me to the bed and then i panicked.. he held me their . and then flipped me over.. i stuffed my face in the pillow screaming and crying.. it went from bad to worse.. when i looked at his night table i could see a gun and that made me panic. and when i looked at his half open closest i could see 2 feet.. watching.. this made me panic even worse..
He sadly came inside me . good thing i was on birth control this part of my life.. or else i probably would have gone for an abortion in that point in my life.. When he was done he left the room for awhile.. and i couldn't stop crying .. he came back eating and said whats wrong.. i felt like if i said anything else he would of done more.. and maybe even beat me. so i shut up.. but when he left the guy in the closest left to.. beyond horrifying... I then begged him to take me home.. he couldn;t understnad why i wanted to rush home.. he shook his head and said why.. i said i just need to go home.. crying. he knew damn well what had happen .. we drove for awhile.. didnt know where we were and i didnt; ask.. the drive back was horrible .. he didnt; speak.. neither did i .. he never gave me his name.. i never gave my last name.. and when he dropped me off on the side of the road so i could walk to my house .. it was about 15 minute walk from my home.. i just didn;t want my parents to see my crying .. or wake them up .. my sister was usually up all hours because of my nephew in the first few weeks.. and months .. with my mother so i took the time to walk and take the time to stop crying and dry up my tears and clear my head ..
Once i got home i never spoke to anyone.. i got up in the afternoon it was my one day a week off.. since i worked 6 days most days.. i got up like nothing was wrong .. no one asked.. no one was lead to beleive i wasn;t okay.. i didn;t get a rape kit done.. i felt like the poilice already were not helping my abused friend from her boyfriend.. so why would they help me.. I just continued with my life.. it really struck a cord with me.. I definatly stopped going out more.. and this is when i started drinking not for fun or with my girilfriends but i started drinking to cover this secret. that killed me inside. I took care of my nephew .. having fun with him.. i never was around him or held him when i was loaded.. i always made sure he never saw me like that. i made sure my whole family couldn't tell what was wrong.. in the following year things got worse.. i started being more provocative. i started sleeping around to get back and men for the pain that guy did to me.. i drank way to much and danced my heart out.. but i made rules i would never go to the bar or any place with booze alone...it effected me physcologically pretty bad but what was i going to do.. i felt terrible guilt for giving out my number and agreeing to watch a movie with him.. at 18 i felt indestructable..
I felt like i had caused this or led this guy on.. i felt honestly like i deserved it.. if thats what i truly did.. i coudln't call hte cops because i didnt know his name.. couldn't remmber it.. I really just tried to live and put it behind me.. i kept this secret of this rape until i was 22.. Never telling a soul.. untl the only time my aunt found me out was when she had a a dream about what had happened and called me in a panic asked what happened .. i told her and she broke down in tears.. it was the only time i was able to tell someone... and then i told my mom.. dad and sister.. my dad didn't deal with it well he just didn;t talk about it.. I was okay with that i didn't want to talk about it either.
and from then on i have never spoken about it again.. i am writing this to try and help someone in the world know that you are not alone.. things happen to the best of us. but this is the advice i would like to give to anyone out their that is new to the bar and party scene
----> DO NOT .go yourself , always have a buddy. even to the bathroom
----> ALWAYS have a way out.. a taxi.. a mom to meet at 2 am.. a friend to pick you up
----> NEVER give out your number.. give out your facebook.. snapchat. something impersonal until you get to know the person and then give out your phone number
----> If the guy is super pushy.. this will tell you he wants sex. and will do anything to get it
----> If the guy calls more than 5 times a day.. and you don't even know him.. this is not a good sign
-----> If you have a BAD GUT feeling.. get out .. you may not want to stick around to find out what the bad feeling is for
-----> DONT EVEN GIVE YOUR HOME ADDRESS
-----> When i went to the bar later in my life. i always went with a fake name.. i never told my real name until i really was interested. or he was..
----->TELL authoritites no matter if you don't know his name.. just a phone number.. even if it is documented and you get a rape kit. this will help when they do it again and their DNA will come up and maybe be able to help someone else
----> NEVER let a guy buy you a tonn of drinks. they always think they own you and you owe them something ,, meaning sex
I hope my story helps someone.. in the world. I hope hearing my story will make the younger generation thnk twice about being so open even when drinking
be safe always