I have lived with anxiety since the tender age of 4, i would always have butterflies in my stomach no matter what i did.. even as a small child i remember panicking to new situations or even situations that my mom was in. Through all of my relationships i had even friends their were times where i remember having terrible anxiety that would sometimes end friendships or relationships.. i felt like when i dated men would tell me that i was to much to handle and some men would even say your such a great friend but your not a good girlfriend. Did it hurt yea but then after awhile i figured that maybe they are right especially after my 5 year first marriage ended in shambles.
My first marriage fueled all of my deepest fears all of who i was , was exposed to the world in the most sensitive light.. especially when i was cheated on , i felt like i wasn't good enough , even thought i was the one giving him a beautiful child.. He himself had mental issues which he would then lean on me to help with and fix and even though i tried , i really couldn't handle trying to work on him when he was pulling the other way and then working on me.. so i just let things fall how they may and i worked on my son. I have dealt with depression when i left him for good.. and he final time.. It felt like my heart was exploding.. it was so hard to let go but i had to let go for myself.. my kids and our life.. it was extremely toxic.. the biggest reason i left was for my new life.. my new husband gives me and my children a million times better love then my ex husband could have ever given us.. He is committed to being a family and is a huge family man..i left a very toxic relationship for a positive life.. for me and our babies. It was such a massive decision to leave i had so much fear but i also would look at my children face and the little girl that was growing in my belly and i knew i had to make a better life.. i was guided to this situation by my faith.. talking to god was a daily thing in my life.. asking for guidance.. asking for answers.. and absolutely without a doubt he lead me to the best person that life could ever give us.
As i move on with our lives things still are a struggle for me emotionally at times.. i have great days and some days i have very low days..but i have made the surrounding of love around me within a very tight circle that no matter how love i go i know that i will always be supported by those people.. they are always their when i need to talk or vent.. they love me no matter what i say or how bad i am in bed crying. They have seen me at my very worst.. and i am thankful for them guiding me and standing strong beside me in this life.
To my ex husband
I have to say thank you.. thank you for putting me and our son through hell because taking my power away and hitting our child because he wouldn't do what you wanted.. has showed me what i do not agree with , it has shown me that we don't deserve a toxic place to be in.. You have showed me that family is not created by only blood and that gang you associate with who says your a family because of what you believe in showed me that you were only manipulating for your own benefit.. it showed me that you didn't really love me how you should have.. it showed me that our beautiful son deserves to hate you.You have broken me so bad that i had no other choice but to stand up and fight .. fight for our boys and the little girl that was growing in my tummy.. you showed me that family wasn't for you.. our life was to much for you.. and all you wanted to do is pollute it with you negative evil hold .. to damage us.. and to distract us from the light. . I say thank you because without breaking us down we wouldn't know how to love .. we wouldn't know how to fight for what we deserve.. we wouldn't have found the love of our lives.. a man that is beyond love.. who loves us to our core and infinity. A family man that has seen us at our terrible times and still says we are worth his love. Even though i still struggle everyday with the emotional side of the darkness you cast upon us.. you have allowed us to start a family without hate.. with disappointment.. you let us close a door and open another that is filled with everything we could ever need. You were my addiction.. and in kicking the habit.. hurt me extremely but it was a sacrifice i made for our boys.I have no found peace.
You may ask what is PTSD ?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a traumatic event that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless. Most people associate PTSD with rape and battle-scarred soldiers—and military combat is the most common cause in men—but any event (or series of events) that overwhelms you with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness can trigger PTSD, especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable. PTSD can affect:
What events can cause this ?
PTSD is different in everyone but here is some common symptoms us with PTSD deal with everyday.
-Re-experiencing the traumatic event.
-Avoiding reminders of the trauma.
-Increased anxiety and emotional arousal.
Common Symptoms not limited to:
Here is the good news you can help yourself just like i am doing.. here is a short list of what you could do to make life easier for yourself with PTSD
-Take time to relax
-Avoid alcohol and drugs.
-Eat a healthy diet.
-Get enough sleep
Wanting to help someone who has PTSD is great but here is some suggestions to consider
Helping a loved one with PTSDWhen a loved one has PTSD, it takes a heavy toll on your relationship and family life. You may have to take on a bigger share of household tasks, deal with the frustration of a loved one who won’t open up, or even deal with anger or disturbing behavior. The symptoms of PTSD can also result in job loss, substance abuse, and other stressful problems.
Here is a list of triggers that we go through that family or friends or loved ones should know of:
Types of PTSD triggersCommon external triggers
When we are in a terrible panic attack here is some suggestions how to calm your loved one down:
How to help in the middle of a flashback or panic attackDuring a flashback, people often feel a sense of disassociation, as if they’re detached from their own body. Anything you can do to “ground” them will help.
Dealing with PTSD has really opened up my eyes in to alot of figuring out myself and who i am. and how i work.. when i got diagnosed it really gave me something to understand.. instead of idk she is crazy or weird.. it gave me something to focus on instead of just saying i have anxiety end of story.
If you have PTSD know that you are not alone in the world.. we are all going through something.. doesn't have to be worse or less. it still matters.. I can not say when our ptsd will go away but i am focusing everyday on what i can do to make my life better. Be prepared for the worse is always the way i have looked at situations .
We deserve love,.we deserve peace.. and we deserve happiness..
I hope my story will help someone be able to see that their is people out in the world that care.
Until next time
27 year old Mom of 3 under 5 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace