When i was under 19 i never thought i would be a mom i didn't have that "mom" feeling, and then when i first met my first husband i suddenly could hear in my dreams my boys talking to me.. when i slept i could feel their soft hands cradling mine.. i could feel their energy of their soul and the gut feeling that i was meant to be a mom.. i just needed to believe.
When i was 22 i had my first son.. i waited until i was about 8 months pregnant before i settled on his name. i knew he was destined to be a Nathan
When i was 23 and Nathan was a year i got that feeling again that i was destined to be a mom again.. when Nathan was 14 months old i got pregnant and then lost it as it oddly absorbed back in to my body...but i knew i didn't have to wait long before i fell pregnant again.. and through my whole pregnancy i could feel my sons soft heart.. his loving hugs and kisses.. at first i figured he must be a girl if he is this quiet and calm.. but i couldn't stop mourning my first miscarriage and what didn't help was that because of my dreams , i had visions that it was a daughter and she kept me going in the beginning of this new pregnancy since i was already halfway deep in to leaving my ex husband..
When i was calm by myself i would hear my little girl talking to me about the future and telling me that everything was going to be okay, she told me that she knew it hurt how i miscarried the first time but she knew i would be strong because of it.. i guess their was a few lessons i needed to learn by that time in my life. By the time i was 7 months pregnant with my second son.. this was the moment she was preparing me for .. she was preparing me for the moment where she had to let go because she had made me strong enough to get through this pregnancy and this is when i got the name tanner to name this little boy.
The bond that me and my little girl shared was so much more than i could have ever imagined.. i know it is hard to believe that i got to see my girl before i gave birth to her but i really did .. when she let go it was like a break that hurt my soul.. i knew she was going to come back to earth and be in my family i never knew when or the circumstances around her birth. Tanner came to our lives at 37 weeks ... i was already 4cm dilated.. 3 hours of labor.. and he came our 3 weeks early at 7lbs 15 ounces.
I had gotten married again and changed my life away from abuse from my first husband, We were overjoyed to learn that we were pregnant again when tanner was 12 months old, but my heart broke again when i felt like i had no connection to the baby since i couldn't hear of feel this child like the other two spiritually, but we ended up miscarrying this little bundle of joy because i was running a day care and a client we had didn't tell the staff that her child had the German measles.. so if you are pregnant and someone has German measles around that pregnant person , it can be harmful to the unborn child and that's what happen in our case, it was devastating .. our marriage took a huge hit.. and we even separated for awhile to be able to heal, but as i crawled in to bed and wouldn't come our for almost a week.. i started to have dreams of my great grandpa bringing the unborn miscarried child.. i suddenly felt this connection like a rush of adrenaline rushing through my veins.. i could hear his voice.. i could see his smile and his brown hair.. it was the best vision i ever had.. until my grandpa said it is time to go now.... i bawled like a baby !!!! Hands down i was so overwhelmed with beauty and the fact that god knew i needed my heart healed and this is exactly what i needed..
Life quickly began again as me and my boys had moved on and me and my husband had re connected as we were grieving our child that we lost.. we without thinking had gotten pregnant a surprising month later. I had the connection with the soul of our unborn baby and i knew right from 6 weeks pregnant that i knew it was our girl ready to make her entrance in our family. I again bawled like a baby it was a blessing in despise.. it was so overwhelming but so very beautiful that i could see our little girl again .. as our pregnancy went on i got to see when she was a year old and her trying to walk.. i saw what our life was like at that moment. I was able to let go of the pain of loosing my two babies.. I still have troubles when i think of them and what they could have been today and how our life would have been very different if we didn't have our tanner and our Isabelle.. I had the feeling that this was for a reason and that reason was those babies weren't meant for our story.. at least not this time.. I am comforted in the fact that that's really the truth..
In the beginning of 2016 we had agreed that we were going to get through our daughters first birthday before trying for our last baby, since when we tried after our second miscarriage it took us only a month later as well as in between our two sons it only took a month. i am very confused as to why my body has done this but it is what it is to be able to have more children .
In march of 2016 i had been having some early symptoms of a new pregnancy , nausea had hit me pretty hard.. fatigue had hit me so bad.. i could barley get out of bed .. i knew something was wrong .. but i really didn't expect to firstly say pregnancy since we weren't trying yet at all . So we decided to get a pregnancy test a week before my period was due .. we went out and got a test we couldn't handle weeks upon weeks of not knowing.. so we picked a clear blue which we knew would be as good or better than what the doctor can provide. I took the test and left it to tend to our other babies that needed something just didn't have the time to spend in the bathroom for 5 minutes waiting .. but when i was done with my children , i went back to check the digital test and it said pregnant 1-2 weeks which if you read clear blues directions it says 3-4 weeks .. as per my last period i was 3 weeks and 4 days .. we were absolutely overjoyed we were so surprised .. i was so beyond emotional that i couldn't contain my happiness.. !!!! hubby was over the moon as well.. we usually wait until the 3 months before we say anything to our kids or announce on any social media outlets.
I called my mother right away since she is my best friend besides my husband .. so i called her and she was completely shocked but super happy for us.. she knew expanding our family and having grand babies is what she is use to by now. and loves each one deeply as the next. Something told me beyond the happiness .. i felt like i couldn't keep the baby and i felt like why was i feeling like this , we don't believe in abortion.. the plan b .. we just believe in god giving us blessings when that may be in life, no time restrictions.. i always said i would like to have all my babies before 30 so that we can grow along side them in our 30's and 40's and when they are ready for school we wont be to old , just heading in to our 50's -60's.
I suddenly felt really sad.. i have known from experience that when things don't feel right within my body and mind then something is usually bound to happen. We only had 2 weeks of happiness and super excitement before i layed in bed and on the couch basically all day , All i did was had terrible cramping and i felt like my period was going to come or something was going to happen that wasn't right .. by the end of the night around 11pm i suddenly felt blood running down my legs.. this would go on for 4 days .. as i was suppose to be just over 5 weeks pregnant , i knew something was wrong i just had a gut feeling, me and the toilet had a date for 4 days .. i was soaking a pad an hour .. i ended up putting up depends because the blood was getting so much to handle..
Blood came and went and tears flowed from my eyes perfidiously for all the whole time, i felt terribly defeated... i felt so overwhelemed and the biggest of all was i felt like a failure.. why did this happen to me in between all of my kids.. i had to take OXY's for my pain since the cramping was so intence.. but i still had to let my hubby go to work and provide for the home.. i stood and cooked dinner while i was feeling terrible.. when you have one child you are able to stop and get your body back whatever is happening , but when you have more than one child people.. think that it is too much to handle.. we barley get a babysitter and even in our most trying times.. we just handle it as husband and wife.. my parents .. a few freinds and aunt knew what was going on.. we just took down the posts on our facebook.. and didnt say anything publicly..
As much as i would love to exsplain what happened .. and maybe help someone else out their who is scared and doesnt know what is happening.. but my closest people around us we felt like we didnt need to exsplain anything.. when you miscarry the first and second time it is a huge shock.. honestly the shock never goes away of omg i shouldnt be bleeding before the baby is born.. you just panic as a woman .. you panic as a mamma and fear kicks in to overdrive. its very hard but i will say that loosing our 3rd little one.. early than our last miscarriage before our daughter came in to our lives.. has made it a bit easier.. we knew what to exspect, we knew how to test to make sure that everything was gone and isnt left over.. you are just more mentally prepared.. i knew how to massage my uterous so that it can go back down and i made sure to do a massage to make sure nothing stayed so that i didnt get infected on any level..
Everyone will tell you go to the doctor and go get checked.. but when you don't go because you know your body so well that it isnt neccessary .. it makes it easier to deal with this painful process within the walls of your comfort zone.. i cant yet watch pregnancy vlogs all the way through.. seeing pregnancy announcements makes me cringe inside.. but i absolutley am very very happy to the ones who have my due date.. i am happy for the women who get to enjoy that.. i have no ill will to anyone carrying a baby to term.. or wanting a baby.. or going through IVF.. i love to hear stroies and i beleive as a woman to another woman we need to raise other women up instead of break them down.. we are so strong that we need to bond through the trails of things that go wrong.. in birth .. and in life .. in relaitionships.. in our lives.. different stories give us different opioions.. and i love listening to others struggles and stroies how it shaped them and made them who thery are today ..
some i cry with them while listening.. some i lay in bed pouring tears thinking about how terrible i feel for them ... but in the end this is what helps me get my strength back to try again.. and talking about it and letting it go.. helps me to be able to want to try again.. to know that we are meant to have our little next boy or girl in our arms. .. I told my hubby this time has made it a bit simpler since i feel like my body has bounced back better than any other time .. and i truly feel like this pregnancy didn't have a soul or fetus attached to it.. this is my personal feeling .. and it has helped me kinda navigate my feelings a bit better.
I accidentally clicked on an abortion video of this 18 year old girl who said that she got a abortion in 2015 because her and her bf didn't have the money to raise their baby.. and that having one at 6 weeks she claims was only a cluster of cells this is what halped her sleep at night.. i clicked out of the video.. gave it a thumbs down and really was so upset.. but i didn't say anything to her.. i was appalled at this video and any like it.. i am pro choice all the way.. i don't believe in abortion at all .!!!!!
until our next child chooses to join us.. and god blesses us with our new little one.. we are ready and our hearts are full and open .. we love our babies exponentially to the moon and back
We will keep here posted for more of our journey as it happens
27 year old Mom of 3 under 5 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace