pa'A huge part of who i am is my past and where i have come from.. my journey has taught me of a lot of lessons and i really believe in inspiring the next generation of children to be better than the generation behind them. Here is my real life story/lesson i have learned and wanted to share.
Something that has really bothered me over the last few years is this insane way of life that women need to be so fake they are almost plastic .. retouched in every photo, women wearing extremely tight clothes, bodysuits, and waist binders to basically re construct your body to conform to these ideologies that we need to be as small as possible for what???? i'm not sure
My hate with my body started when i was just a child, i am from european decent on my moms side and Norwegian and Irish on my fathers side, from birth i have always been a chubby kid, the culture in my ancestors home land is very rich in flavors, lots of breads , cheeses and lots of food covering tables and tables of kitchen tables. Normally i was taught as a child that it is alright to have whatever i wanted to eat, my grandma always cooked large portions of meals, and even at holidays and spending summers with my grandma , she was always in the kitchen making something, her house always smelt amazing when you step in the door. as much as my parents both had jobs and worked beyond many many hours to make sure that our family was fed and clothed and have a pretty nice life over me and my sisters heads. My mom found the time even if she was exhausted from work to be able to cook dinners, to bake so many great foods that smell spilled in to every room.
My anorexia started when i was about 9 when my father was much of a strict parent, would always get angry that us kids were always in his food, we were always asking for Slurpee and candy in the summer as a treat on a really hot day.. But my dad seemed to get angry on another level about his food so i really felt that was a reflection of me, i took it really hard , that i didn't touch his food anymore.. and every time i opened our fridge i was so nervous that my dad was going to yell about which food was his.. you never knew..what you could touch or what you couldn't.. my dad was very territorial about simple things like food.. my mom always got angry with him and said it doesn't matter we will buy more, i found it hard to navigate my feelings on the correct track when i was getting told i shouldn't eat i was already fat, my dad was already picking on me about the chair squeaking and my dad ended up many times blaming me for claim-ably almost breaking the chair when i was only rolling it in closer to the table.
By the time i was 13 i had left school due to getting bullied at home and at school, so i figured it was pointless for me to succeed with this interference ,my mind was never clear enough to think.. it was all negative around me. As my grandma divorced my grandpa , her home wasn't filled much with the love of food anymore.. my grandma kind of gave up her passions. My mom was getting to busy to cook much anymore and i felt very isolated and bullied , so i took it upon myself to excersize and try and focus on myself first and then maybe i would get good grades , i felt like my dad didn't like or was never open to a bigger/curvier person in our family .. my dad was raised very traditionally.. they don't believe in spirits , they don't believe in karma, curvier women, or lesbian or gay people, so as harsh as my dad was it felt like i was disappointing him being curvy.. even though i was born like that.. but i excersized my heart out and ended up loosing 180 pounds i was elated that all my hard work brought me to the point that i really enjoyed the smaller version of myself.
My dad was never big on showing emotions , he never said i love you much and even giving hugs was very seldom, i am not saying that i blame my father no!!! but i really believe that my dad could have got help for the way he was raising his girls . My dad really contributed to me hating myself because my mom always promoted to love ourselves no matter what , she always told us we shouldn't focus on what people think of you , or that it didn't matter that i was overweight my mom always said she would love us no matter what. I knew that my dad loved us but when you never show it to your children you will never know what they really feel.
After i lost all the weight i was able to see things in a different light , at first i was focused on making sure i had all my excersizes done properly , then i did calorie counting i was very happy with my body and the way it was.. but i also fell it to this terrible addiction of wanting to be thinner constantly.. since i went to my dad and said look dad i lost 180 pounds.. looking for some acceptance or him to approve that he loved me that i was thin, but it really made the situation worse.. i suddenly was addicted to loosing more and more and eventually loosing sight of what the purpose of loosing weight was for.. ultimately its about health and being happy on the inside.. i never understood that as a teenager.. i just got to the point where the weight i lost wasn't good enough i needed another 20lbs.. i was suddenly excersizing 7 days a week twice a day and eating only one meal a day .. i was covering all my hidden emotions with somethings in my past with alcohol .. getting deep in to way to much. I worked 6 days a week .. i was never home.. i filled my life with so much that it seemed less of a blow to understand why i was only eating under 1000 calories a day.
Time went on and i got thinner really quick.. i began to watch every calorie , weighed myself a few times a day to a few times an hour.. 20 was when i hit a huge breaking point in my life where i felt like i came to a railroad track .. where god was telling me that if i continued on this journey it would end me in the hospital getting fluids pumped in my body or i could change how i see myself and let down some of my problems surrounding food in better ways.. like conciliating.. I had come to a point where i hated every bit of who i was... i loved all the attention i got from men and women making me feel powerful and in control and above the rest. i sadly turned in to such a alcoholic bitch.. i really didn't care how any one else felt about anything .. i really didn't care who i hurt at this point i my life , i really just wanted people to leave me alone.
Fast forward to now where i am almost 27 .. i am married and i have 3 small children. i have worked very hard in these last 7 years .. i have almost fixed my anorexia without any outside help.. i can not excersize at this point since i got a bad spinal injury since having our last baby .. so you ask what do i struggle with now??
I struggle daily with what to eat.. and how much i eat.. i still have this in my mind "don't eat that or this" but i have learned how to control those issues .. its all about self talk.. and you really have to focus on what your goal is .. mine is to be happy with who i am inside and out.. then when i am then i know i will be able to get on a diet that works because i am not sabatoshing myself .. with loose this weight super fast.. i am very blessed to have had my babies and my body has bounced back pretty well ..but i do still struggle with looking in the mirror to much . some days i loose my mind going through 20 shirts and saying nothing fits and nothing works. But in all my struggles i really talk to myself all the time.. i don't panic what the world thinks of my body.. i don't feel the need anymore to stand in front of the mirror and pick out the things i hate about myself.. when i stand in the mirror i pick out things that are positive .. things that are beautiful .
I found it very helpful along my journey to say these affirmations daily .. i say them in the beginning of the day after i get up.. that way it really sets the mood for the day where i start off with a good mindset.
----> I am worth it
---> I am allowed to be curvy
---> Curvy is beautiful .. every women is shaped differently in life.. no one person is the same
---> You have a wonderful heart
---> You don't have anyone to impress
---> Don't take what people say personally ... their opinion doesn't matter only yours does
---> you may have stretch marks but your body was used to house 3 beautiful babies and 2 in heaven.
---> The inside matters more than the outside
---> Be kind to yourself
---> You only have one life why spent it hating yourself
---> You are making changes , it doesnt happen overnight
I will not preach that everyday i love myself.. their are still days i wish i was thinner or something i don't like with my body is changed.. It makes harder for me to loose weight or tone up.. because i have a spinal injury from having my daughter.. she is almost a year old .. and my spine is still injured , sadly i am not sure when it will heal or if it will go back to normal..
In all my struggles with loving myself i did a lot of soul searching in the last few years and i have found a happy medium where i can say.. yes their are things i don't like and i can be critical about everything but i choose to look at the brighter side and the positive side to my feelings about myself.. it is a mental choice everyday .. i don't want to beat myself up about what i want to change.. i cant go to the gym 10 hours a day to make others happy.. confidence has to come from inside.. you have to be happy with you as a person you are. Their were a lot of terrible things happening in my life in my early adult hood.. that i just drank so much alcohol and it entwined me in to a deep hated for myself.. It was hard to get out of.. when everyone was saying how thing i was at 130 pounds and how great i looked but no one saw that i hated to be that thin. it wasn't a good fit for my body things looked weird and bony.. i have found a place where i am not to thin and i'm not to fat...i'm in the middle and i am happy with that.
I don't fit in to really tight clothes.. i don't buy a size smaller than i am so that i can fit in to them someday .. i don't do crazy diets to the point where i am almost starving.. i eat everything in moderation and running around with 3 small children is enough excersize , i am constantly on the go.. i barley get to sit down.. i only sit down when my back is really killing me and my medication needs to be re taken so that i can function on some level, someday my back is so bad that i can not stand up straight.. and those are the days it is impossible for me to get anything done but i still push myself to get dressed.. to put on a little makeup to make myself feel better.
As women we are so focused on making everyone else happy around us.. but the best advice i can give you is find who you really are and love yourself like you would love anyone else.. make time to pamper yourself .. whether that is using a soothing face mask with a bubble bath .. or going to the spa with your girlfriends for the weekend. Don't buy clothes to tiny.. buy them so that you have room to breathe and your not worrying the whole night out if your button is going to pop off.
It is not an overnight process .. is it hard work.. and even though i am in a good place .. that doesn't mean i have a huge ego about myself ,,it simply means for the first time in my life .. i don't worry about what everyone else thinks about me.. i only worry about what my husband thinks.. and feels about the way i look.. sometimes i say to him when i'm so stressed out and i
m in so much pain.. and i have been such a bitch to him that day..my face is broken out in acne and i haven't washed my hair in 2 days since i have been so busy.. i ask why do you love this?? look at me?? he always gives me the same answer.. i know you are stressed and i will do everything in my power to take it away , your acne will clear.. and the stress will go down.. i love you no matter what.. its not about the outside.. i can't explain how much that is a huge support in my life and how i fall in love with him day after day.. find someone who loves you unconditionally .. instead of finding someone who wants to change everything about you so that they can stand the look of you. they aren't worth it.. believe me.. i've been through a few of those idiots in my life.
stay true to yourself
let me know how you stay confident
27 year old Mom of 3 under 5 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace