When we are growing up as little girls and boys we are taught trough society that love is something so magical .. so beautiful... so amazing it will bring you to your knees.. In every fairy tail we are taught that the person will rescue you and be all that you ever need in life.. almost as if saying their is one marriage .. one person for each and every person. Making us as children grow up with this interesting ideal that we cant wait to fall in love.. but no one ever talks about the dark side of love..
I went on that hunt as I breezed through life holding that same trust for men.. thinking their has got to be this perfect guy out their for me.. I was one of those woman who only believed in that one marriage .. that guy that I would have children with and that I would stay no matter what.. I truly believed in family.. As strong as I believed in it.. In the beginning he swept me off my feet... When I met him I was young and impressionable.. I had gone through some less than perfect friends. relationships and one night stands.. At this time I was starting to slip away from the belief that people are good .. I was loosing trust for anyone.. I distanced myself from friends and family.. traveling the country .. letting go of the ideal that that amazing guy was standing their waiting for me.. I guess you can say I became cold.. and withdrawn.... I drank a lot since I was beyond lonely.. I worked 6 days a week.. and put my everything in to me instead of someone else. I was beyond hurt.
I had my profile on this dating site in which I talked to hundreds of people on a daily basis.. I may have turned cold but I defiantly didn't forget how to communicate with people to entertain myself though the pain. People had no idea behind the computer I drank so much ... A dark secret I kept hidden for a long time.. In all the people that had profiles on this site.. one specific guy messaged me with this long winded message ... telling me all these things that I had always wanted to hear but never really believed. I let his message stay in my inbox thinking he was lying .. all men talked this way to me.. they only wanted something.. that I really wasn't looking for. He kept messaging me and I never responded... until this one day I responded with this long message back ... something told me .. its ok you got to learn to fly one day.
A year had gone by we spent thousands of hours getting to know each other.. over social media.. text messages .. phone calls.. chat.. cam.. he wasn't one of those guys who asked for anything sexual . I found this weird ... al the guys I knew asked this hundred times.. I figured he was different.. I felt respected.. I felt like I was falling in love with my best friend.. He quickly became my everything... We talked about everything we had in common.. we seemed so similar .. I took so much time to make sure he wasn't in it for one thing. so I let go and decided to follow my gut feeling and give in to this true love everyone talks about. We first met each other over a year later in person. connected immediately like fireworks, I had nothing but a huge smile on my face melting my heart, this had to be real.. I just knew it. We talked about his 2 prior children and that he kept in contact with them but they were not in his custody, but he told me many stories of how he fought for them, he even carried pictures of them in his wallet, and showed them off every time he came in contact with another parent.. I really truly believed he loved those children and gave him the benefit of the doubt .. that people make mistakes.. I could live with that.
We had talked many times about starting family ..we decided this we would go and be ready, 3 weeks later I had missed my period . mine were work this was me, a few weeks later we were confirmed that we were pregnant with our miracle.. I had so much fear but he tome in many conversations our was strong and if I wasn't strong enough he would be my strength , I believed him with all my heart. Things were not to bad until I was about 6 months pregnant .. things quickly took their decent downhill.. He started getting deep in the drug scene .. he started have parties .. he started to stop holding job... He wouldn't speak to me to anymore like use to,, and when he did he gave me only attitude and scowling looks. Fights became horrible.. he would rise his hands to try and punch me , this point I feared him.. and he liked it.. tried everything to help him and support him in all issues no matter what they were he just pulled away me and tried other woman on our couch to sooth his dark needs.
I crumbled ... inside god did I crumble... but through all the pain I was so close to walking away but I knew so being born vey soon... needed to be strong. I figured somehow when he saw his son born it would drive him, and the strength of becoming a parent would hold him higher than all of his issues... god was I wrong.. I almost lost my life giving birth to little boy .. he woke up for one week... then went downhill again. When our son was 3 weeks old.. decided that life was to demanding of him... so he tried to hang himself off our deck... Cutting down the rope was a huge vision to this day still burns in my head. He survived.. but was even more of abusive person.. he began to hate everything I was ..even wanted to be.. but he became terribly obsessive of me hated our child .As parent this was extremely hard to swallow. I just couldn't understand this.
As time went on .. things got worse.. he stopped eating.. he stopped caring.. he wanted me to return to work to cover all our families expenses when our son was 2 weeks ago. As our relationship went from bad to worse... I had left many times and each time I went back .. He would tell me these stories and lies of how he changed and how he was so grateful to have us back in his life.. I loved him with everything I was , so I stupidly believed him. Each time I went back I was risking my safety.. my sanity.. my child.. but it was like an addiction something In me figured I could change him.. I could help him.. I took him to many doctors appointments , me and the doctor made plan for me to watch him 24/7 since he was always suicidal ... I was in charge of his medications ... I basically took the role of his mother. He fed off the power and enjoyed the control of me having no control over my own life but only helping him.. As it almost inflated his ego on some sick level. He would pick fights just to see what I would say.. make me blow up.. just to break me down.
Time kept going some slow some passing faster than I could read the clock.. He would stand by my door for hours and watch me sleep ... made me wonder if he was plotting to kill me. His look in his eyes suddenly changed from light to pitch black.. It was like mask covering who he was. He took no care in to our son... he only yelled ... as time went on we would battle over how he was beyond strict.. and I didn't agree at all. He never said I love you .. and when he did he never meant it.. it was only to please me in what I wanted to here.. Our second son was born ... things depleted more... he became more distant.. he drank more than I had ever seen him.. he brought weapons in to the house .. I feared for our lives so I hid them all in my safe.. which he didn't have a key to , and I pretended I had lost that key. He broke in to my car with his friends when I wasn't looking ... claiming it was somebody else the next morning.. He then had told his dirty friends the things we had in our home.. and since he always had horrible friends.. always looking for drugs always seeking for something to sell.. They came one night and waited outside my house in different cars .. waiting to see when I would leave.. each time I would approach these cars they would fly off in other instances he would be in the cars with them telling them every detail of me and our kids lives.. sometimes it was other women he was on dates with .. he claimed he was just showing my house off..
One night these people came to my house looking to kill all 6 people in the home.. triggering the security alarm.. lights were on at the time .. all of us were home .. they knew this... After police reports ... court..a protection order and a custody battle... I felt like i had closed a book... We had gotten back together 6 months later.. stupidly I couldn't stay away. I really wanted to believe his stories of change.. which he sold me so well.:( :( I guess in someway I felt abuse was better than single... it was a very twisted way of thinking on my part.. i wasn't thinking clearly .. I was endangering myself , my kids.. everyone and everything I had ever known and this a place he liked me.. VULNERABLE .. very very VULERABLE!!!! .. I was so broken .. I was lost. We spent another 4 months together.. it was HELL.. he chose to not only get violent with me .. emotionally.. physically.. and mentally.. he did this to our kids to.. I spent those months fighting not for him but for my kids.. I knew I had clearly made a huge mistake letting him back in our lives...
How did I leave for good u ask?
My last straw was when my oldest got in trouble for not being quiet .. and he shoved him in to a corner by pushing his chest... and raised one hand to beat him... people intervened ... and I formed a plan to get out.. my whole mindset changed ... its like all the strength I needed to fight him came flowing in and all my fear went away.. I was in survival mode. No matter what I had to sacrifice I was willing to for my boys.. That next morning I took him to work like nothing was wrong... I just didn't speak to him. .I couldn't look him in the face.. I came back home and packed all of his belongings which fit in to two bags ... and dropped them off in front of his work...As safe as possible ..I sent him a text message explaining why I had to leave.. and that I truly was done .. and he would never see me or the kids again..
Today I stand with full guardianship of my boys,... getting marred again... expecting again... battling everyday to help my children forget the dark days of the beginning of their lives.. making new memories without pain.. I never will stop fighting for them... I am battling my demons everyday with my regrets.. with my pain... but in all my pain I have come through it all... I have changed everything I am.. for the safety of our lives.. I will continue to strive for our dreams. and I will show my boys nothing but love.. they wake up everyday happy.. with smiles .. they don't fear men like they use to.. They don't have behaviour issues like they did.. they aren't afraid anymore..
I will continue to work on not blaming myself for staying with this horrible person ... I take full accountability for my actions.. I am responsible for all the pain I caused in my family by staying when they were begging for me to leave..i am not at peace yet.. but I am fighting tooth and nail t get their.
The storm is over now... we are free... we don't live in silence anymore.. we are powerful .
27 year old Mom of 3 under 5 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace