As a child i always saw me as a mother later in life but i never really thought about children until i was about 19 years old when i helped raise my nephew and he made a spark within me that really made me want to have kids, but i focused on my career and figured my prince would come one day but their was no rush .. i really wanted to fall in love but i wanted to be stable before i gave birth to a beautiful little bundle of joy. I got married to young and for the wrong reasons my first time .. i rushed in to loving the wrong person who didn't love me back.. i was only a stepping stone in his life to get him to a better place .
I was 22 when i gave birth to a beautiful 8lb 3oz big bright blue eyed chunky boy.. i remember looking in his eyes between me blacking out after birth because i was hemorrhaging and loosing so much blood since his shoulders got stuck.. i remember him crying in the background and my mom crying saying hes so beautiful.. u did it mama .. still brings tears to my eyes how hard i struggled in my first birth but i knew that i had to get him out before they would cut him out of me. It was the only time my first husband gave me his full attention and his full support because i was going to be dying if they didn't get my blood loss under control.. i could see my angels stand beside me as i was blacking out .. telling me that it was okay and that i would be able to raise my son .. i remember i felt gods angels hug me and i felt so much love.. so much warmth .. then i stopped bleeding and they didn't need to give me a transfusion.
My life got rocky for awhile as me and my first husbands marriage dissolved very violently. I remember the first time my ex husband was about to hit me and Nathan was laying in his playpen he was only a 3 weeks old.. and i remember feeling the feeling that i really needed to walk away to survive. i tried walking away when i was 3 months pregnant but he manipulated my feelings in to staying and that he would change.. i figured i need to stay to make sure that Nathan grows up with a mother and a father. I loved him with everything in me and i felt cheated that he was giving up on me and Nathan and wouldn't change in the end. fast forward a few years and tanner came along.. fast forward 2 more years and Isabelle came in to our lives, and i got re married to a very loving exceptionally brilliant man, someone who loves us more than himself, he is a proud father who took over the roll of dad for Nathan and tanner .. he has watched them grow ..hugged them when they needed him the most.. showed them that they deserve a dad that treats their mom well so that when they grow up they will treat their wives in the best treatment ..
Nathan knows that their was someone else in the beginning he asks sometimes but we just don't speak about him.. because we think that due to his PTSD like i have .. and separation anxiety issues .. as well as his ADHD , it would hurt him way to much to explain the past. since we do not talk about him in any fashion around Nathan.. We are happy knowing that he believes with his whole heart that my second husband is his biological dad. It's to painful to allow that pain back in to our lives.. Nathan and i have grown so much since those violent days.. We have both grown so much .. Nathan is doing incredibly well..he is working on dressing himself.. and he is working hard on sharing.. and taking care of his brother and sister.. he knows how to make himself a sandwich (of course with supervision) He checks the mail with mommy everyday , he is working on making his bed.. he is working on riding his bike without training wheels.. still a bit away but he struggled a lot with his own violent behavior.. but i really think a lot of it was acting out because i was under so much stress.. i was sad and a bit depressed and i didn't show him that but i think he knew that..
I refuse to let Nathan go to the wayside.. i refuse to stop battling and i believe that the life we have given him he is grateful for.. he is extremely happy in .. as he has slips here and their like any other child he is doing well .. I'm so proud of him.. the next step we are working on is registering him for school for september .. mommy is having some separation issues of her own.. every time i think of letting him go to school and me letting him go to the teacher i turn in to a bundle of tears.. I was their for my nephew for his first day of school and it was incredibly hard as an aunt.. i was a ball of tears beside his mom. It's so hard letting our little ones grow up and time just goes way to fast .. their isn't enough time to enjoy them. I love him more than i love myself.. i hug him and kissing him probably overly much but he loves it.. sometimes i don't let him go and he giggles when i do it.. cause he knows that i love him.. he gets his kisses and hugs every night from both mom and dad.. he is our everything like our other babies are. He asks me sometimes if he can have another sister.. and we are working on that.. and can't wait for him to really enjoy mommy being pregnant again, he enjoyed it so much with Isabelle.. he loved all her pictures.. and then when i came home.. he changed.. in to this boy that loves his sister.. he loves his brother deeply..
He is incredibly smart .. we are working on syllables of words and pronunciation.. he loves his dinosaurs and for the second year in the row his birthday party will be dinosaurs. he is obsessed like i was obsessed when i was a child .He looks after his little sister like a big brother.. we look forward to the next 5 years of your life and what will we experience next.
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Until next time
27 year old Mom of 3 under 5 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace