Something that really has brought tears to my eyes is the way girls and guys perceive themselves, their are times where i hear people talk about how they wish they were a certain size or they wish to have plastic surgery to fix things about themselves, but what really bothers me is that the world is still basing their figures of what people should weigh by the BMI which is completely out of date , this system was thought up hundreds of years ago and as of today most doctors have stopped using these mathematical calculations, although their is some still that will use it and stand strictly by it.
I have always been a bigger girl , a lot of this has to be with my family background, on my mothers side i am European(danish ) as well on my fathers side i am also European (Norwegian and Irish) , i have a long torso, wide shoulders, wide hips and a booty. Simply based on my genetics i will ALWAYS be curvy , i have fallen in to the trap of not loving who i was and the body god has given me to roam this earth in this life, so i would drink a ton of alcohol and never eat, i only ate food when i had to , one meal a day was common for me , i also took a dive and god focused and work so i worked hard for my promotions and this came with a price and that was to work 6.5 days a week, suddenly food wasn't a priority. I would live by societies rules of i was FAT!! i figured that a size 13 or 15 in pants was HUGE , and a size M or L in tops was terrible. This way of life brought me to a frail 135 pounds. I was so unhappy with who i had become and i was blind to how i was living my life.
Since the obsession to get this thin to a toll on me and my mental health , i began to always look in the mirror , always fix my makeup, Excersize 7 days a week for hours a day, wanting to become THIN, took a enveloped everything i did, i couldn't stop thinking of food , calories, scales, diet drinks, makeup, and loosing more weight, since i believed that not only was i still fat , but i NEEDED to feel better by loosing more weight. I became so self conscious , i would dream of being the tiny girl with tiny arms , magazines and celebrities were all i looked to, to get my image of who i must be.
I struggled with who i was and questioned everything i did , i made choices and mistakes a thousand times over since i was so unsure of what i needed to be or do in life. I figured i needed to stay with the normal and never go outside the box , the goal was to be accepted. Fast Forward from 18 to 21 where i was in a commited relationship and i got pregnant with my first son , because of how i was living my life so unhealthy i was absolutley so scared of gaining any weight , all these thoughts rushed through my mind as if i didn't think i would be beautiful or loved after if i gained even a pound, 9 months passed and i struggled to eat since my realtionship with food was so very broken. I let myself go a bit and allowed myself the things i was taking away from myself almost as if i had been punshing myself, I gained 80lbs and My son was a healthy 8lbs 1.2oz , After i gave birth i lost all of my baby weight in the first month. I was back to my unhealhty eating habits once again, and each time i would see a doctor they would call me obese and always tell me that i should be 130lbs for 5"8" although since my body type is alot more husky , stalky if you wanna say, it is not possible and is so far from healthy.
Fast Forward once again to age 24 where i got pregnant again with my second son and gained 40lbs and he was born 3 weeks early but weighed a healthy 7lbs 15oz, once again i dropped all the weight in the first month . as the years have passed i have gotten to understand what works for me and what doesn't , finding that information was for me to find not some doctor to tell me . when i go to the doctor they claim that i am morbidly obese and that i should drop at least 150lbs , now if i dropped that much they would be barley enough of me left. Just because i am a bigger boned girl doesn't mean i don't excersize and it doesn't mean i don't eat healthy. I have been called every derogatory name in the book for my weight from random people, women and men , kids , doctors, midwifes, nurses, family, friends, the list goes on.
I now weigh a healthy 180lbs and today i can stand strong and say i defiantly know who i am and i am OK with the fact that i will never weigh 120 once again and that i will never fit in to a size 2 . I will always have chunky thighs and chunky arms and a bootylicious booty. I work hard everyday to be a better and healthier person, yes i have some set backs , yes i get hard on myself at times but i realized that i don't want to look like the celebrities i don't want to be a carbon copy of the girl down the street . I want to only be myself. I want to feel happy with my body and love all the parts of myself inward and out. I will raise my children to not let society dictate how small or big you should be and that loving you starts from the inside. If your not accepted by your friends for your weight and you end up loosing friends because they only wanted you around to make themselves feel better by bringing you down, then let them go.
Here is my advice to the ones who need some inspiration . Let the world pass judgment on you and call you everything they want , but never let this take away from your shine. let your confidence shine through. if you are a size 20 or a size 2 this world is big enough for you. Love whoever you want and be positive . Don't let anyone push you down because you aren't their ideal of what they see.
28 year old Mom of 3 under 6 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace