-------->WARNING : THIS IS A VERY HARD SUBJECT FOR ME TO ADDRESS .. USUALLY THIS TYPE OF POST I WOULD NEVER MAKE BUT DUE TO SOME ISSUES AND QUESTIONING WITHIN THE PEOPLE I KNOW .. ITS BEST IF I ADDRESS IT .. BE DONE WITH IT.. SO EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE.<-----------
When i wanted to start a family , i was not sure who i wanted .. i'm not sure how i wanted it to happen.. i wasn't even sure if i wanted kids.. it was a huge risk to me, because i always felt men left me when they got what they wanted.. i had hoped their would be this amazing man out their that would love me and my children no matter what, someone who would fight for us in the darkest of times. I had spent a lot of time working and then i moved outside my city and traveled for 2 years.. i had spoken to many people along the way , i am such a people person that i can make a conversation about anything with anyone.. That last year i had traveled i had found this good man , who had great qualities.. dreams.. a hard life so far but was willing to fight for the change he needed to make , he was working and was inspired about the things that inspired me.. We spent one year living on opposites of Canada.. he became a rock of support to me because i had pretty much left my family behind besides my mother where i came from, You can say at the time being 19 i was vulerable.. i was trying to find my place in this world and what is my purpose. You can say i had a bad track record of helping people and giving them way to many more chances then they deserved. You can say i had a big heart and was unguarded . i never really thought about my decisions i figured this is my life lets jump in and ride the waves.
When i got pregnant with my first son it was by complete surprise .. i wasn't ready .. he was way more ready than i could have ever been.. i was working 7 days a week between 3 retail stores.. my phone never stop ringing and i was battling drinking way to much after my first rape 2 years prior . but i absolutely was against abortion.. it is a huge issue for me .. i believe in it to only medical serious situations. I was okay with having a child with this man because i truly believed he would love us both forever.. As time went on .. things got violent.. he attempted suicide.. infidelity was huge .. i stopped trying many times.. i gave up mentally a long time before i actually left. I wanted a spark that was always lit.. i wanted a partnership .. and i knew that if i had already given up what was the point of staying.. things got to the point in our relationship after our second son and a million memories and a bunch of moves across two cities.. and lots of jobs in between that he was going to end me and my boys life if we didn't leave.. (i had left 4 times before )
I felt like in the end he was holding me back from being who i needed to be.. his violent outbursts were effecting our life our love and our children.. he was taking me away from my family that i worked so hard to get my relationships back from when i pushed everyone away when i was a drunk ... YES i had infidelity for months in the end before i left.. YES i stopped sleeping with him because i couldn't stand to lie in the same bed with him and commit to a lie.. i couldn't stand his energy.. i couldn't stand his control.. him as a human was revolting to me .. in every way i needed to get a better life and i was not going to stay like i did for the sake of my children and keeping my family together .. i needed to get my own feet.. i needed to grow up and fight for my boys.. Through our whole relationship i felt like a single mother because he chose his drugs.. drinking . and women over us.. I admit i changed in a huge way after my first son.. he wasn't what i envisioned.. he wasn't the same man he claimed he was.. i saw so much more darkness than i ever wanted or knew he had.
For those long 5 years i stared the devil in the face and at points i became entwined in the darkness .. I was angry. i was so hurt.. my soul was so broken i did not know what to do or what i deserved.. but what kept me a small bit sane and fighting for the light was my boys.. YES they are not genetically my current husbands .. but genetics mean nothing !!!!! when you move on with your life... and all your boys know is this new man.. that has been with them through every tooth lost.. every bump.. bruise.. every happy moment and every sad moment.. .. Genetics is not your death sentence.. genetics is not meaning you need to stay with your abusive father because that is biologically your father.. The definition of a parent is warm.. loving.. caring.. present in your day to day life.. and my boys biological father was not and has never been.. . my boys know he is dead.. it is easier for them to understand then the feeling and the pain of them knowing he never wanted them.. he didn't want family.. he was obsessed with drugs.. and darkness.. he was not willing to change his life to better anyone else's .. My husband has stood up for every challenge that my two boys throw at him.. never has he given up on them... never has he said this is to hard i want out.. never has he said i can't do this they are not mine..
He has even given them his last name .. so that they can let go of their biological father's last name so that they are able to function as loving adults .. without having a connection to someone who is spreading nothing but negativity in this world. We as parents would have let their biological dad in their lives.. if he would be a person that is helping them grow.. who is stable without drugs .. without a differnet women in his bed everynight .. without the bullshit of having a different job and spending every other night on someone's couch.. ask yourself would you subject your children to a man who could kill your kids at any moment? Do you want your children trying to play with this man they are suppose to call dad but he is in a drug induced high falling asleep on your couch .. or smells terribly like booze.. I have a choice just like everyone on this planet does.. if i am not legally doing anything bad.. i am allowed to make my own adult choices.. and no one can take that away from me.. no one can tell me this is right or that is right.. advice is one thing .. but throw shade and hate because talking about my ex is something you know that hurts me.. is only looking stupid on you ..
Everything i do is for my kids.. family is incredibly important to me because my own was beyond broken.. and has a lot of moving pieces.. I have moved on.. its been almost 5 years .. since i left. and i am doing well.. my kids are doing well.. Anyone who can sit behind a computer and talk about other peoples business can really rot in hell in my books.. My past is not going to define us .. our past is not going to be our present.. If you can not be around our family without knocking us down and keep re hashing something we have all let go of..
You many ask.. Do i forgive my ex ? Yes in fact i do.. why?? It's for my peace of my mind.. not his.. i will never forget his actions.. never will i forgive the pain he causes both our children and me .. i had to find some kind of forgiveness to move on with life.. and drop this heavy weight i had in my heart that was not letting any of us to move forward
Do we speak? or will we ever speak?
Will he ever get visits?
No I have sole custody
Will we ever be friends?
Never .. he doesn't exist to me .. i live everyday knowing i will never let him in to our lives again
Did your new husband unofficially adopt your boys?
Yes .. we are working behind the scenes to make everything official
Does your new husband consider the boys as his own?
Another month has passed and has turned in to the 2 year mark of trying to conceive ... last year i miscarried twice once in march and once in December. Our doctor believes that it has happened due to the morphine i had to take with my back.. but they are not admitting that morphine effects fertility in anyway.. but when i read online i find that morphine gives you a 80% chance that if you get pregnant you will miscarry.. if i knew that i never would have taken the medication and would have chosen something else. It was devastating to look two more children .. in my life i have lost 4.. so when doctors ask me how many pregnancies i have had i tell them 7 .. not that i would have wanted 7 in my life.. but i would have been okay with 5.. and then i would be finished.
In march i miscarried at 5 weeks and in December i miscarried at 4 weeks and this one had absolved back in to my body just like my miscarriage before our son tanner . I am thankful that i did not have to make sure everything was released with the second one.. as it was quick and less painful.. but the miscarriage in march was hell i was cramping so bad that i had to take narcotics for 2 days and i was in bed for 5 , heavy bleeding .
We have been tracking my cycles every month... we have tried at home insemination.. i have tried taking vitamins to boost my immune system.. hubby is on vitamins.. nothing is working.. We have tried less stress., healthier eating, different techniques and positions.. it has been another 6 months from the last miscarriage in December 2016 and nothing .. so our next step has been to go to our family doctor to get refereed to a fertility doctor to see how they can help.. maybe it is something simple as my doctor is thinking but she is asking me to go to a pelvic ultrasound to check all my female organs and then she would like more blood work from me before we go to see the fertility doctor and then hubby needs to give a sperm sample and blood work to check out his testosterone.
I am currently awaiting my results for my pelvic ultrasound , my doctor assures me that their is probably nothing wrong as i don't have any female problems like cysts, endometriosis , tipped uterus etc when i get more results i will update this post with more details
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I fell on March 7th 2017 in my back alley when i was picking my son up from school.. I broke my ankle in all 3 places including breaking my femur bone off my ankle bone.. Something i never thought would happen.. it was -18 degrees Celsius outside and colder with the windchill it was very slippery.
How long did it take me to recover ?
I am still currently recovering day by day .. someday's are more difficult then others .. My doctor has told me that it would take me 6 weeks but since i broke my femur bone it is going to take longer .. I really struggle sometimes with the pain.. if i walk to much i am in pain and it is a struggle at that point for me to walk , Sometimes you are not able to touch my leg because it is in so much pain. Other than that i can walk pretty well now .. defiantly different than i use to.
The first 6 weeks were the most filled with pain.. when i got out of the hospital i had pain medication to take but it didn't last long since the hospital here in Canada where i live is very ridiculous in giving people the proper medication at home.. i defiantly think because it is a fear for them that people will abuse it.
How long did my cast stay on?
I had a surgical cast on after the doctor reset my bones before surgery and that was for 5 days and then i had plaster cast on my leg for another 2 weeks and then when that was taken off along with my staples i then got a hard cast which was suppose to stay on for 6 weeks depending how it was healing.. since mine was healing i had gotten to a point where i couldn't stand the cast any longer at about 5 weeks .. so i found a way to cut it off.. honestly when i got to the end and it was off.. my leg and foot was very very sore and i really saw how bad my foot really was.. i knew it was bad but i was so tired of not being able to do anything.. it took me 2 hours .. i am a very determined person .. very stubborn.. my parents and husband panicked .. i didn't panic i knew i would be okay..
It took me awhile to gain strength in my leg and foot.. but having the cast off for about a week felt so much better than having it on.. i was able to have a bath and soak my foot.. even though it was a struggle for me to get out of my deep tub. Everyday things had gotten better than the day before.. but i can honestly tell you i sat in my bed a lot of nights pouring tears because i was so traumatized
Did you have any help at home ?
Yes!!! I didn't have a choice i really couldn't do much for 4 weeks .. my whole family jumped in to help .. As i could not stand for more than 10 minutes.. i couldn't shop .. i could barley get out of the car ... I should have used crutches but i never got them right so i didn't use them.. i always had a fear i would fall.. not for me
How has your scars healed?
My scars have healed well.. i had over 30 staples all together .. i was pretty shocked when the doctor took off my second cast and i found out i had staples not stitches
Are your scars painful?
No not really.. if someone or something bangs against them then yes they will hurt
How do you feel about your scars?
at first i had such a hard time .. because i didn't want these long scars down my feet and people looking at me.. i don't care what people think but it was making me feel very insecure about myself ... as the months have passed since my accident , i have learned to live with them.. they don;t make me feel bad about myself.. i have learned that if people want to stare they can .. doesn't bother me .
I know that things happen and i am thankful it didn't get any worse like breaking my arm with my leg..
How has this accident changed you ?
I had major anixety , panic attacks and PTSD before i feel since i was 4.. and i got PTSD from my abusive relationship for 5 years .. when i was 18-23 .. After i feel mysteriously everything went away .. I don't panic about things i use to.. i just don't feel that its needed.. not like i could turn it off before.. but i think you can learn to re train your body and mind to think another way especially in shock .. its hard to explain but i just felt like if i am going to keep going in life.. i needed to start living again.. so i made a choice to live better .. i made a choice to love better.. and i made a choice to be grateful for everything .. Life is such a gift.. and even though i knew this in my life.. i guess i was stretching myself thin.. getting no sleep.. putting my kids and family before myself and this was draining me very badly.. spiritually.. sexually.. mentally.. physically.. it was hard..
I can not say that i enjoyed this accident to happen to me.. but on another real level i do think that maybe it was meant to happen .. for people to see how much i really do for them.. for the people in my life to realize that i am here for a purpose far more than being used by family and friends.
I think this has calmed me in a weird way.. i think this has made a huge moment in my life where i needed to find me again.. i needed to fall in love with myself all over again.. from the ground up.. somehow i needed a wake up call and this maybe was it..
Do you still have flashbacks? dreams about the accident?
Yes sometimes i do .. in the beginning it was every hour or less.. and i couldn't get any sleep.. i would cry all the time.. but now as 3 months has passed i get flashbacks only once every few weeks .. which is good.. something like the cold wind will trigger it .. and then i pour tears.. but i am thankful for the moments i get to share with my family .. and knowing the support i have behind me .
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March 7th 2017 was another normal Tuesday , where my husband had to work the morning so i had decided to go walk my son back from school .. I had done this a million times , it didn't bother me .. i didn't think to much about it.. it's my responsibility to go drop off and pick up my child. so i was defiantly okay going to pick him up. I woke up in the morning and drove him to school . i had noticed that it was cold -18 with the windchill.. their was a new dusting of snow . it had snowed on and off all week the week before all through the weekend .. i didn't think to much of it.. it was winter sometimes we get really cold winters and sometimes we get really mild ones.
It had turned about 845 and as i was in the kitchen getting our son's breakfast and suddenly i was hit with this feeling deep in my stomach that something was wrong with picking up Nathan. something told me not to walk that morning.. I had told my husband that i think it is better if i take the car this morning.. but their was no way we could with just one car at this current time. I cried and gave my husband a half hug because i was angry with him.. i figured i would apologize later as i felt that everything would be okay and i was overreacting. I never expected what happened next.
I had waited until the time to go get my son.. as i walked up my normal route everything was fine.. i got my son from his bus stop and then we were chatting about school and how his morning was and then we started walking home.. He was happy and i was happy.. I had looked around and mention to my son that things around our area looked really bare without a lot of people around.. I had seen about 3 people in my 4 block journey which i had found a little weird.
I had made a split decision to go take the 2 alleys behind the main road .. I had been walking carefully and been telling Nathan to be careful as i didn't want him to slip on the ice, We both had our winter gear on to make sure we were well prepared in case of a fall. I figured i could handle it ... like i did everything else in life.. just kept going things would fall in to place. But this time i had looked down for a split second as i had walked around this one icy spot and suddenly i had felt myself slipping.. their was nothing to grab on to because i was half way in the middle of the ally.. I couldn't make myself stop .. it felt like i had been slipping in slow motion, as i figured i would just slip and i would be okay .. I suddenly felt my leg pop and expand to 10 times the size.. all i could hear in my head was "OH SHIT" .. suddenly it was like lights out in my brain.. I had completely blacked out..
I felt myself falling since i could no longer stand on my leg.. while i was blacking out .. I had rolled in to the snow bank .. and the hospital believes i had hit my head on the ground at some point just don't know which point. When i came to i felt so much pain.. i felt like my foot was completely detached from my leg bone.. I suddenly was blacking in and out because the pain was horrible.. the worst pain i had ever felt in my life.. My son went around me and said "Mommy get up.. get up " and i replied crying "I can't Nathan.. i think i broke my foot" His face went white and i saw that he was scared .. I was scared.. i suddenly was panicking and trying to figure out how to get help.. i suddenly went in to survival mode.. i held myself up by a recycle bin that i had leaned my back up against.. to look and see who i could find.. i kept screaming and screaming and crying .. i could hear myself screaming help through 2 alleys.. echoing ..
Suddenly appeared this black car coming toward me.. i kept waving my hands hoping he wouldn't turn and that he would help me.. He had gotten out of the car and i had told him i needed him to call an ambulance .. when he bent down to talk to me.. i could see his big brown eyes.. filled with so much light and love.. I have felt so many different connections in this life but nothing compared to this one.. i suddenly had this feeling like things would be okay .. i had felt that he was my angel.. He was meant to find me. He did everything for me.. got me a blanket until the ambulance got to me.. he helped the emergency workers help me on to the stretcher.. he took my phone .. my car keys and my son and met my mom and sister at my house .. he waited until my husband got their.. he then came back to the ambulance and gave me my phone back and told me that things would be okay.. I just was in shock .. in a very very vulnerable place .. I had to let my guard down to get emergency help.. this was so hard for me.. because he was a stranger.. He had told my husband later that he would like to be updated on how i am doing and he came to my rescue because on his way out for a smoke to go run some errands before his work at 2pm.. He said that he heard me screaming from a block and a half away and knew he needed to find what was going on.. I am beyond grateful for people like him in this world..I honestly thought people were so cold that they would never help but then their is a glimpse of hope..
I was then taken to the nearest hospital , i remember i wanted to talk to my father as i was scared and i knew my dad had broken his ankle when i was a child.. i watched him go through it all ..so i called him from the ambulance and then when i got to the hospital.. my dad has always been a super calm person in the face of turmoil .. i have only watched him a few times in my life get really angry or stressed.. can't say it was often, I had not talked to anyone else yet besides a small bit to my sister ..I had this feeling like maybe my dad would like to hear from me.. i know my mother would tell him i was okay but this time it was beyond serious .. i felt like it was something i needed to do. They had given me an IV right away and started pumping me with morphine because of the pain was so bad.. since my foot was still in my boot they had to get it off to see the damage .. they had to open up the back door and then wait for the morphine to take effect so that they could then pull my boot off.. either way i still screamed , the drugs did not take all the pain away.. the morphine would only last for 10 minutes at the most and i would be back to hyperventilating and screaming. I was able to calm down a small bit by the time we arrived at the first hospital.. the triage nurse had told us that i would be waiting for a bed in the hallway just like i was with drugs every 10 minutes for another 24 hours.. The ambulance drivers were appalled to say the least as was i.. so i got put back in the ambulance and was taken to a smaller hospital a little further away in my city.. Although this wasn't a big hospital it was able to fix and do minor things.. as i soon found out my break was not simple or easy to fix..
As we arrived to the next hospital the doctors put my int he x ray room and took those immediately which then they could see how bad my break was.. I had broken everything in my ankle that i could break.. i severed my leg bone from my ankle bone.. I broke the back and both bones in my leg.. It was really bad.. after the x rays they had put my in to the emergency triage and pumped me full of morphine every 10 minutes for the next 2 hours. which was hell.. i was in and out of consciousness .. didn't really cry because i felt i was to high to cry.. my sister and husband got in to the waiting room about half an hour after i got to my room.. but they would not let them come in at this moment because about 3 doctors and 5 nurses were telling me that they needed to try and reset my foot so that i could have surgery on my foot.. they gave me hydro morphine.. morphine and fentanyol. i don;t know the dosages but it was meant to make me sleep so i didn't feel them putting my bones back.. but they had tried twice and it didn't work i felt everything all i did was scream and then black out.. then my sister and my husband were allowed to see me.. which was great i needed to see someone else then the personnel around.. even though they were extremely nice to me throughout this whole process.. i still needed my family with me.. We sat their awhile and then my sister had to go home .. then my husband had to head to the next hospital because i was being transferred back to the big hospital were i would await surgery . As the doctors had kept giving me morphine my blood pressure began to slip .. from the normal that it always is .. it finally went to 79/34 which made them panic.. i was very drugged up so the panic really wasn't their for me.. Because of this they could not give me any drugs for my transfer in the ambulance until my blood pressure went back up .
I was screaming and crying in pain the bumps made it extremely painful .. the guys that were transporting me looked like a deer in the headlights .. didn't know how to help me at all.. he was saying the wrong things making me angry., he then brought me in to emergency and waited with me which was great .. until he wasn't paying attention while he was nervously looking around i'm not sure. but then his belt he was wearing slammed in to my foot.. i lost my mind yelled at him and almost got off my stretcher to punch him.. just so inconsiderate !!!!!! I was back again crying in pain.. at this point my foot felt like it was being crushed and everything inside was snapping.. the most pain i have ever felt in my life.. i would do 10 c sections again rather than have broken bones. They then took me in to a room where they finally had given me some more morphine so i was calm enough to talk to the surgeon .. I was able to calm down only for a short amount of time before the pain returned. All of a sudden as me and my husband sit in this small room with a curtain between me and another lady .. a bunch of doctors and nurses came in and told me that it was time to re set the bones in my foot that the previous hospital couldn't do.. they informed me they had tried twice. i was so drugged up i only thought they tried once.
They had rushed my husband out of the room for a few minutes .. i guess they were afraid of him falling or screaming.. not sure.. as they crowded me they had started administering the drug propoval .. which as soon as this hit my blood it knocked me out .. as if i blacked out again.
When i woke up awhile later my foot was in a temporary cast and i felt so much better.. i wasn't in terrible pain like i was.. i wasn't screaming and i didn't feel my foot was going to fall off.. I had then been admitted to the hospital where i got moved around a few times within my 5 day stay awaiting and recovering surgery .. March 10th 2017 i had surgery .. which the doctors put in 11 screws and 2 metal plates .. I have 2 incisions because they had to open my foot on the right side to be able to make sure the plates were put in properly .. March 20th 2017 ( 10 Days Post OP) i got my surgical cast removed and i got put in a fiberglass one on which i have on until it gets removed April 20th 2017 and then depending on how it heals i will be put in a walking cast or in another fiberglass cast .. and then i will be in rehab for another 7 visits.
Update: At this current time i had been in my fiberglass cast for 4 weeks ... I will update with another blog post as the next phase begins.. (Cast coming off.. learning to walk again.. and my journey of what i have learned from this terrible experience)
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until next time
1.What’s your first thought when you wake up?
28 year old Mom of 3 under 6 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace