-------->WARNING : THIS IS A VERY HARD SUBJECT FOR ME TO ADDRESS .. USUALLY THIS TYPE OF POST I WOULD NEVER MAKE BUT DUE TO SOME ISSUES AND QUESTIONING WITHIN THE PEOPLE I KNOW .. ITS BEST IF I ADDRESS IT .. BE DONE WITH IT.. SO EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE.<-----------
When i wanted to start a family , i was not sure who i wanted .. i'm not sure how i wanted it to happen.. i wasn't even sure if i wanted kids.. it was a huge risk to me, because i always felt men left me when they got what they wanted.. i had hoped their would be this amazing man out their that would love me and my children no matter what, someone who would fight for us in the darkest of times. I had spent a lot of time working and then i moved outside my city and traveled for 2 years.. i had spoken to many people along the way , i am such a people person that i can make a conversation about anything with anyone.. That last year i had traveled i had found this good man , who had great qualities.. dreams.. a hard life so far but was willing to fight for the change he needed to make , he was working and was inspired about the things that inspired me.. We spent one year living on opposites of Canada.. he became a rock of support to me because i had pretty much left my family behind besides my mother where i came from, You can say at the time being 19 i was vulerable.. i was trying to find my place in this world and what is my purpose. You can say i had a bad track record of helping people and giving them way to many more chances then they deserved. You can say i had a big heart and was unguarded . i never really thought about my decisions i figured this is my life lets jump in and ride the waves. When i got pregnant with my first son it was by complete surprise .. i wasn't ready .. he was way more ready than i could have ever been.. i was working 7 days a week between 3 retail stores.. my phone never stop ringing and i was battling drinking way to much after my first rape 2 years prior . but i absolutely was against abortion.. it is a huge issue for me .. i believe in it to only medical serious situations. I was okay with having a child with this man because i truly believed he would love us both forever.. As time went on .. things got violent.. he attempted suicide.. infidelity was huge .. i stopped trying many times.. i gave up mentally a long time before i actually left. I wanted a spark that was always lit.. i wanted a partnership .. and i knew that if i had already given up what was the point of staying.. things got to the point in our relationship after our second son and a million memories and a bunch of moves across two cities.. and lots of jobs in between that he was going to end me and my boys life if we didn't leave.. (i had left 4 times before ) I felt like in the end he was holding me back from being who i needed to be.. his violent outbursts were effecting our life our love and our children.. he was taking me away from my family that i worked so hard to get my relationships back from when i pushed everyone away when i was a drunk ... YES i had infidelity for months in the end before i left.. YES i stopped sleeping with him because i couldn't stand to lie in the same bed with him and commit to a lie.. i couldn't stand his energy.. i couldn't stand his control.. him as a human was revolting to me .. in every way i needed to get a better life and i was not going to stay like i did for the sake of my children and keeping my family together .. i needed to get my own feet.. i needed to grow up and fight for my boys.. Through our whole relationship i felt like a single mother because he chose his drugs.. drinking . and women over us.. I admit i changed in a huge way after my first son.. he wasn't what i envisioned.. he wasn't the same man he claimed he was.. i saw so much more darkness than i ever wanted or knew he had. For those long 5 years i stared the devil in the face and at points i became entwined in the darkness .. I was angry. i was so hurt.. my soul was so broken i did not know what to do or what i deserved.. but what kept me a small bit sane and fighting for the light was my boys.. YES they are not genetically my current husbands .. but genetics mean nothing !!!!! when you move on with your life... and all your boys know is this new man.. that has been with them through every tooth lost.. every bump.. bruise.. every happy moment and every sad moment.. .. Genetics is not your death sentence.. genetics is not meaning you need to stay with your abusive father because that is biologically your father.. The definition of a parent is warm.. loving.. caring.. present in your day to day life.. and my boys biological father was not and has never been.. . my boys know he is dead.. it is easier for them to understand then the feeling and the pain of them knowing he never wanted them.. he didn't want family.. he was obsessed with drugs.. and darkness.. he was not willing to change his life to better anyone else's .. My husband has stood up for every challenge that my two boys throw at him.. never has he given up on them... never has he said this is to hard i want out.. never has he said i can't do this they are not mine.. He has even given them his last name .. so that they can let go of their biological father's last name so that they are able to function as loving adults .. without having a connection to someone who is spreading nothing but negativity in this world. We as parents would have let their biological dad in their lives.. if he would be a person that is helping them grow.. who is stable without drugs .. without a differnet women in his bed everynight .. without the bullshit of having a different job and spending every other night on someone's couch.. ask yourself would you subject your children to a man who could kill your kids at any moment? Do you want your children trying to play with this man they are suppose to call dad but he is in a drug induced high falling asleep on your couch .. or smells terribly like booze.. I have a choice just like everyone on this planet does.. if i am not legally doing anything bad.. i am allowed to make my own adult choices.. and no one can take that away from me.. no one can tell me this is right or that is right.. advice is one thing .. but throw shade and hate because talking about my ex is something you know that hurts me.. is only looking stupid on you .. Everything i do is for my kids.. family is incredibly important to me because my own was beyond broken.. and has a lot of moving pieces.. I have moved on.. its been almost 5 years .. since i left. and i am doing well.. my kids are doing well.. Anyone who can sit behind a computer and talk about other peoples business can really rot in hell in my books.. My past is not going to define us .. our past is not going to be our present.. If you can not be around our family without knocking us down and keep re hashing something we have all let go of.. You many ask.. Do i forgive my ex ? Yes in fact i do.. why?? It's for my peace of my mind.. not his.. i will never forget his actions.. never will i forgive the pain he causes both our children and me .. i had to find some kind of forgiveness to move on with life.. and drop this heavy weight i had in my heart that was not letting any of us to move forward Do we speak? or will we ever speak? Never Will he ever get visits? No I have sole custody Will we ever be friends? Never .. he doesn't exist to me .. i live everyday knowing i will never let him in to our lives again Did your new husband unofficially adopt your boys? Yes .. we are working behind the scenes to make everything official Does your new husband consider the boys as his own? Yes absolutely XOXO Lola R |
Lola28 year old Mom of 3 under 6 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace Archives
June 2017
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