Leaving abuse is one of the hardest things someone can do for their relationship but the benefits are beyond way more rewarding then you can ever imagined.
I will begin where i left off.. and back track a little bit so you can understand the full picture of the story .. i will show you what has worked for me .. keeping me out of deep depression that i could have had.. and the diagnosis that has came out of me and my oldest son after leaving the marriage.
As a mother your biggest problem you must solve or so you think is that you should stay with the guy who you had children from.. my parents raised me this way.. its all i knew .. it was deeply ingrained in me that you work hard for your family, you love your husband and your kids no matter what. I believe very strongly in family and my ex knew this.. he knew just how to twist your weakest feelings to make sure that he comes out of it not hurt .
I had left for the last time or i said so.. but i still had that piece in my heart of whats next for us.. am i suppose to be with him... do i want to try again.. and eventually as time went on i had been in a prior relationship that i really felt was going great ... until we had a miscarriage and it honestly broke me so badly.. i let go shut myself off and went back to my ex husband.. he welcomed me with open arms and told me the things he use to.. like he was going to change, he said he would even do marriage treatment for our issues.. he said he would do parenting classes to make sure he would help me raise our boys to the best of our abilities.. my heart jumped out of my chest and i let him back in to our lives. at the time my boys were 1 and a half and 3 and a half, so they weren't to sure about what was happening , but in the back of my mind i knew asking him to come back 3 times and then this time.. i knew i would have to deal with some damage later to help them process.
The first month was great just like it had been in the past, he promised a million things he was going to and he knew what challenges lay before him and that he was ready to face them. He always had been promising what he could do for us or even himself and he never had enough motivation to be able to get where he needed to be.. he was so good at the dirty side of life .. like selling drugs and never getting caught.. running from more than a few kids from a few different moms. I knew his story when i first met him and that's why we clicked , it was because we both had been through terrible struggles in our life and that in joining in our life would make us stronger.. but in reality broken cant fix the broken.. but i was open to it ..I was happy. he was happy.. our boys were happy.. but then as time went on and the second month came and went and then the third month is where i noticed things going really bad fast .. faster than it had ever been in our relationship
He began the abuse .. emotional first.. telling me i was nothing and that my dreams didn't matter.. and that i should not pressure anything besides taking him to and from work and working to pay for his things. He started complaining again (as this was a prior issue we had) , about how he didn't like that he was supporting us more than i was .. he was upset that he had to pay for anything for us.. food.. clothes.. dinners out.. toys .. bedding etc.. everything he could think of he really wanted his drugs each week and to go out with friends.. to cheat and make me let women in to the house which i would never allow.. I had found out days after i left my current husband before i went back to my ex husband that .. i was 6 weeks pregnant.. but since my current husband which was my ex at the time didn't see eye to eye at the moment since he was so hurt by what i did ... i went to the 13 week ultrasound without him.. and took my ex husband... it was horrible i knew i had made a mistake bringing him..i knew in my heart he hated me and our children, since things were declining fast between us.. we then went home and their was many moments of these during the day and i always pushed them off as yea whatever bud you will apologize later.. but he seemed to pull further and further away from me.. and our fights seem more explosive than normal ...he became so emotional abusive.. and by the third month he was cornering our oldest while i was having a nap and decided to try and beat the bad behavior out of him.. i knew this was the moment that broke the camels back and i knew that i needed to leave.
He spent his days in the living room talking to other women and i was in the office doing my makeup work ... he never checked on me and if he did he said something nasty like when the hell i am going to go cook dinner and when i said i wasn't he would flip.. He didn't care if i was tired.. if the kids were tired .. he needed everything done now.. or else.. By the third month we barley spoke and i kept our boys as far as i could being within the home.. i was working along side my ex that i dumped for him and my parents to get a plan together to walk away.My anxiety and stress had got to an uncontrollable place.. the abuse was everyday .. their was moment where we were having a fight about something.. and as he sat at the end of my bed.. his eyes turned black and he seemed like he went out of his body almost.. he didn't want to say much .. this look of completely anger came over him i stood back at the wall i figured he had a knife in his pocket or close by him or he was going to come beat me until i was dead.. at this point i had no idea what he was capable of..
On the third month i spent a lot of time talking to friends about the abuse and my family.. everyone knew and gave the same advice.. which was to leave,, but i knew that when i made that decision it wasn't going to be heading back to him.. i was done for good. i think he was abusing me so that i would leave so that i would hate him.its like he liked it.. he enjoyed the torture .. he enjoyed watching me cry and melt down in a panic attack... he hated my oldest boy so picking on him was easy for him.. he had no love for children.. he just made them and walked away.. Everyday i had been seeing my ex who i was talking to during the night.. i dropped my then current bf at his work and then i went and picked up my ex which is now my current husband.. we bonded more than we had ever bonded.. he held my hand through all the tough choices i had to make .. and the biggest one i ever could make was to keep me and my babies safe.. we would hang out go to parks.. shop.. etc.. since he worked night and morning hours it was easy for us.. i don't know if my ex knew but we kept it pretty much a secret from him.. everyone around us knew i was cheating and getting ready to leave. I had been preparing our boys that i had made a mistake and that we were going to leave.. my boys wanted out just as bad as i did..i never asked which guy u like better or those games.. but i did say things like we are going to go through something hard n the next few weeks .
That day came not so long later.. Early morning i had packed a lot his stuff after drove him to work.. if i had let him come in the home and take his things.. he would fight me.. he would try and take the boys.. he would get irritated and try and beat me.. so i found the safest plan i could and that was to pack his belongings and put them at his work doors. I had picked up my ex (current husband now) and he said he would drop of his bags for me.. as i stayed in the truck.. i agreed since i was so scared i didn't even sleep the night before.. i was so stressed about how it would play out and what happened. It was lunch time for my ex husband at work .. so this was where the guys would mostly be standing outside eating their lunches before heading back to work from their lunch .. i knew it was the perfect time. So we ended up dropping his bags off.. as my heart raced.. i could hear my oldest son yelling from the back cmon lets get out of here.. go , go go.. he knew more than he said.
As we left i drove around the corner and texted him a very long text message about how this was my final goodbye and that he doesn't need to contact me.. and that i don't want his money.. i don't want child support.. i just want to be free with my babies and my unborn child..
As soon as i left the energy changed in the car. we were happy.. the boys were a happy.. that i had not seen in a few months.. my oldest son's behavior changed.. immediately.. It was like a celebration had broken out in the car for about half an hour.. until we returned home.. my ex(now current husband) stayed the night to make sure he wouldn't come back to the house and a make sure no one broken in while we slept. I knew my ex would be fine.. this is why he was cheating.. because he was basically shopping for a new home with a new woman.
I can tell you that everyone around you can tell you to go and get out of the relationship , some people may even pressure you in to leaving.. and you should tell them to stop .. the choice is yours and is only yours... no one knows what you feel, no one can really understand the dynamic of your home until you are ready to walk away and stand up for not wanting this in your life.. you will never leave no matter how much time passes. Yes i was scared when i left.. my heart was beating so fast.. i almost wondered if my anxiety attacks were going to give me heart attacks.. but thankfully they didn't .I just felt something in my head saying if you don't get out now he is going to kill you.. this was a warning .. i know now..
A year later i have move two homes because of my fear of my ex finding us and doing horrible things to us.. i have a very small friends around me.. its a tight circle of support that has guided me through this whole situation.. i couldn't have done it without them.. i tell anyone who runs in to my ex to please just walk away.. fighting with him is only going to end badly because you never know what he is capable of doing. You will be the most scared to leave the last time.. but when you pack his things and get him out of your life.. you will see that you deserve so much better than the name calling.. the being thrown against the wall when you say no.. you will see that you don't wake up wondering if he is going to kill you that day.
To my Loving husband, i couldn't have gotten to this day without you guiding me and supporting me through all of the rough days .. I have cried on your shoulders so many times that i could have soaked your shirts, You have given me and my boys so much patience to get through the disaster we came from.. I am eternally grateful for all of the times we were feeling sad, with a broken heart and you glued all those little pieces back together with love. You have stood strong with me in the decisions we have had to make with Nathan , and you have shown that you can take so much more of the stress than i cant take.. you always end up taking the biggest loads of stress off my back.. i never have to ask if you love us.. because i know this in the way you look at us.. i see your eyes light up when you play with all of our children.. I put a lot of pressure on you than i should have .. but you never complained once.. you always stood strong in your unwavering love for us. When i close my eyes at night , you make sure to hold me tight ..to make sure i'm never alone. I have never been this happy or content in my life until the day i met you.. its like all the pieces clicked.. everything was the way it should be. We are blessed to have you standing strong beside us. You always try and make us smile when we are down.... i know our boys are forgetting the pain that was afflicting on them ..their heart is healing , i'm very happy that they will forget all the pain. You are such an amazing father.. an amazing husband.. i couldn't ask for a better person to spend our life with . I am excited to grow and get old with you.. and watch our babies grow.. i am excited to add one more child to our family .
to the women/men who cant decide to get out of an abusive relationship
The best advice i could give you is this..
their is nothing better than being in a place where you are filled with so much love and peace.. but some marriage doesn't work.. and no matter what ideal you have about staying with the abuser because of this or that.. your wrong.. you deserve better .. you deserve not to be called terrible names.. get smacked around.. you deserve someone who can love you for all that you are, even your flaws.. will your family be dissapointed if you leave the abuser?
Disappointment may happen from your friends and family.. but you have to be strong to tell them.. that you are leaving because u need to be free from pain.. no family or friends should tell you that its a good idea to stay.. don't believe it when the abuser says .. i'm sorry i will never do it again.. because this promise they cant keep .. they will do it again.. because they know they can push you to that level.. it may be gradually or fast moving until the moment when the troubles get worse.. you are staying and making a huge risk for you and your child or children.. when you let go.. its like all the flowers can bloom now.. and your journey with someone else will not have any of the issues you are having right now. I can tell you from a victims point of view that yes i stayed because i wanted family.. and i tolerated it.. since it was my kids father.. i didn't want a million baby daddy's i wasn't raised like that.. but you get to that last straw your eyes will be open to what he is doing.. you will hate it.. and the anger you have against the abuser will drive you to leave .. to even get an apartment with your children and be alone for a few years.. if you think it doesn't effect your children your wrong.. i thought it didn't effect my kids.. until the aftermath exploded and i was forced to see what i was allowing and what i was teaching my children .
as i write this it has been just over 16 months since i left. I will never have to hurt again. i will never have to beg for love or to be held at night, i will never have to worry about my husband cheating and feeling not worth it, my babies will never have to see pain from their dad.. they only get to see love from both sides.. the best thing a man can do is love his kids mother.. because children will see all of what is happening in the home they are raised in. I always smile, my kids smile and tackle their father tickling him.. i never have to beg my husband to help with this bill or that bill ,, i never have to ask him to love our kids because he does it because he wants to.. no man will ever change just cause you say you need to or have to. I live in a place where no one but 3 or 4 people know where i am.. all court documents have my number and address blacked out so my ex can not harm us in any way.. i had a restraining order on for a year but if i feel like our safety is compromise again.. i will defiantly not hesitate to put it on again. Life is so happy and joyful now.. but because of the abuse me and Nathan have PTSD .. (post traumatic stress disorder_) which are working on seeing a trauma to guide us through all the pain. When i left.. i couldn't break down completely because i needed to show my kids that this abuse was not tolerated.
How do you know when you have found the right one?
Simple ... you never have to question their motives.. you will feel their love in every action they do.you will never have to scream at them and have fights every night.. your husband will never name call you.. everything will feel right.. and if it feels wrong.. its not the right person.. keep searching.. the right one is out their
from one survivor to the next.. stay strong
27 year old Mom of 3 under 5 (2 boys 1 girl), TTC baby #4, Married to my soul mate, Photographer, nail artist, amazon reviewer, fashion addict, Looking to make a postive impact on this world one story at a time. I am looking to inspire people with love and peace